Good Grief
Grief - deep sadness, and our experience following any kind of loss .
Grief is multi-faceted. It involves our emotions, spirituality, relationships, and our ability to make sense of the world. Grief changes from day to day, and evolves over time. It is not something that can be avoided and arises from Loss that may be of a person, or a hope - something we treasure that is no longer there. It brings a sense of being out of control and disorientated. There is a good reason for people to feel grief, anxiety, and fear! What we had come to think of as being stable is removed and a new security has to to be found. This raises questions and for those of us of faith we may question our beliefs more deeply and interrogate scriptures for meaning. There is nothing wrong with this and can lead to a much more secure understanding of our trust and hope in God.
The Psalms are recognized as full of descriptive emotion. There are psalms of joy and celebration, and those expressing desolation when things go wrong and what
had helped to make sense of the world no longer applies. The Psalms of lament speak into that. They can give us a language to use because so often we don`t have the words to express our feelings of distress, despair and sorrow.
How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
Psalm 13:1
Spiritually, lament is an opener for being honest to ourselves and others, to be in touch with the realities of our experience. Think of it being like Easter Saturday, after the horrors of the Good Friday crucifixion and all that led up to it, the Saturday is the day of questions before the joy of the Easter Sunday resurrection. Think what it would be like for the disciples and followers that first Saturday. - They were mourning their loss. Lament provides a language to express our feelings of sadness, bewilderment, loss, and even anger. It lets us be in touch with who we are.
Can you be honest and express your feelings?
Anger can be internalised with frustration becoming depression or numbness, or out of control externally in acts of violence.
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Think of the frustrations that arose for you during the pandemic. How did you react to them?
Following expression, we can begin to find new security, with new ways of acting and responding.
Moving forward, we can either change the external circumstances, adapt to change us on the inside or fight / attack. The latter is often prevented by tears that express the futility and ache of the loss, or finding a distraction like keeping busy with tasks.
It is good to be aware that the grieving process is not linear but will oscillate back and forth until a new more permanent way is found and the the loss is assimilated.
Lord, who hears our cries, and sees our weeping, we come to You with sorrow and grief on our hearts for .....
(List those areas of Lament on your heart)
Surely he took up our pain and
bore our suffering, yet we considered
him punished by
God, stricken by him, and afflicted.
Isaiah 53:4
Meditate on one of the verses below and have a conversation with God about your times of sadness and loss
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
1 Kings 19:11-12
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will
not fear, though the earth give way and
the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
Psalm 46:1-3
We have this hope as an anchor
for the soul, firm and secure.
Hebrews 6:19
Be strong and courageous. Do not be
afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne
of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help
us in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:14-16
Our expression of Grief is often affected by the cultural expectations around us. Grief is painful, but how do we cope and deal with pain? Similarly for someone standing close by, what are their feelings and reactions to someone expressing pain? Much of our western society works to alleviate pain and this can filter into church in its attempts to remove pain and the feelings associated with it.. This differs from Scripture in its expression of lament.
What cultural assumptions (of Society, Church Community, or family) are you aware of that inform expectations regarding sorrow, happiness, and joy?
Can you be honest in expression?
As Believers in Jesus, with a future Hope, we need to have a balance with the circumstances we find ourselves in. The Gift of Joy does not necessarily equate to "happiness". Grief is not a sign of hopelessness, or faithlessness, but an honesty to ourselves, God and those witnesses around us.
How would you describe "Joy" What might it look like to have the gift of joy in the midst of loss?
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
James 1:2
Grief can draw us to a new level of honesty with God, an open door for Him to join us and speak into our hearts.
Where we attempt to banish grief and pain we effectively are saying there are parts of us, areas that are closed off from God and stopping the depth of spiritual fulness He has to offer us.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You
have recorded each one in your book.
Psalm 56:8 NEV
Search and see if there are areas in your life that are closed off to God (& even yourself). What would happen if you removed the "Do not Disturb" sign? What would help you to do this in a safe way?
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Grief is held with the tension of Hope for the Believer.
Each tear is precious and as the psalmist illustrates, they are collected in a bottle as each tear represents something of value that has been lost. Yet, one day will come when those tears will be wiped away and suffering ended.
‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be
no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the
old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4
How does the promise of a future resurrection reframe our griefs and losses? How are you encountering God’s comfort in this season?
“A man’s thoughts and feelings become important to him when they become important to someone else.” Brian .F. Skinner, psychologist
Perhaps you are aware of others who are grieving. How do we respond? It is a skill as there are so many facets both emotional, spiritual, and social. For instance during these times of pandemic there are both personal and communal losses that have had to change from the norm which may add extra anxiety and stress. Even those who wish to be alongside will therefore have their own grief to contend with. Usual rituals that assist our processing loss have been curtailed preventing our ability to mark the loss effectively. e.g. funeral limits on numbers prevented community support, wakes similarly curtailed preventing opportunity to talk freely about and acknowledging the loss. Life events (job losses, missed opportunities, medical diagnosis) not communicated as rapidly as before. These adaptions can add to the loss of shared experience and create secondary losses and isolation. Opportunities for connection by sitting with the bereaved, dropping off meals, practical support become further losses and complicate the grieving process, as we are unable to pick up and respond to the nuances and sadness seen.
Considering these changes to the
grieving process how might you still
offer meaningful support?
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One way is to be intentional in our contact. Contacting regularly to
break the isolation and being
available to hear the cry of sadness.
It is good to recognise our own feelings in situations and be able to acknowledge them to ourselves as well as others. In this way we are better equipped to support others as they share their feelings with us. The process grows, as we learn from others. It`s not something we can do in isolation.
The amygdala part of our brain that learns how to deal with feelings, and stores our memories of incidents is the same area that brings our attention to social cues, and expectations. So we need each other to help to express emotions in a healthy way.
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
What are some ways you manage your emotions? Can you think of a time when you were able to be with someone else in their feelings, or when someone else met you in the midst of yours? What was that experience like? How did it make you feel?
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts
us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
2 Corinthian 1:3-4
Sitting with those who are grieving is not easy or comfortable. There is a temptation to avoid, minimise the loss, or change the subject so as not to hear the pain. Those who are experiencing the pain of loss may even shrug it away not believing you wish to really hear their emotional state.
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How open are you to hear someone else`s pain?
How might you reveal your willingness to receive it?
The effect of knowing that somebody has me in their vision and sight can be very uplifting. It says: "I`m not forgotten. I`m not lost,"
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Who do you show that you have not forgotten? Who shows you that you are not forgotten? How do you / they do this?
For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him
2 Chronicles 16:9
Grieving loss cannot be rushed. It is a process though not linear, and with times of intenseness.
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In what ways can you make room for grieving in your own life, and how might you help create space for others to grieve?
Practically, in the presence of someone suffering it is good to empathise, acknowledging their loss "I`m sad this has happened to you" We are not there to offer advice or direction but to "be" in their company breaking the aloneness that they may be experiencing in the changed circumstances. Allowing and validating the expression of their intense emotions, and challenging any false guilty feelings when they are not in the depths of sorrow because we cannot maintain such intensity over a long period of time and will oscillate between good and bad feelings.
But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.
Psalm 10:14
